Day 3 - A Thing That's On Your Mind

I’ve recently been thinking about the reason for my existence. Sometimes, I feel as though my life here has no purpose whatsoever and I am wasting my time. I often wonder what I will do with my life and if I’m on the right path career-wise. I really love music and want to go into the music business but I’m afraid I won’t be successful since I haven’t researched that deeply into it. I don’t know what I’d be getting myself into. I love writing lyrics and feel like that’s the best way I relate to people because I can pour out my feelings without being judged. I don’t really know how to talk to people so I put up a front and act like I don’t give two craps about what others think of me which is THE farthest thing from the truth. Honestly, I find that when I’m true to myself, I’m a very insecure person. I think it stems from immigrating to America at a young age with no idea of how people are like. Because of this, I found that I didn’t know how to approach people and couldn’t relate. At times, I found myself wishing that I had been born white so it would be easier for me to make friends and relate to others. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and then when I found that I didn’t look like others – I was chubby and had acne and wasn’t attractive. That led to self-esteem issues that I’m dealing with to this day. I still look in the mirror and am unhappy with the person looking back. This leads to me being discouraged with everything I do. I feel as though I’m not good enough. The worst part is that I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I am painfully reserved and would rather sit in a room by myself rather than interact with people. I tend to think that people will let me down because of my experiences in the past with “friends”. I guess I have to suck it up and move on but it’s easier said than done. That’s why I relate to music as well as books – they won’t let you down. This is why I write a lot – it’s therapeutic and helps me escape and be who I want to be. Because of my insecurities, I tend to act rude and come off as “ghetto”. I feel that acting like this will prevent people from talking to me and just leaving me alone so I don’t get hurt again. But it ends up giving me a bad rep. so either way I lose. And this way, I tend to hurt the people I love because they have to suffer for my actions. But time to stop the wallowing-in-my-self-pity and move on. I haven’t written all I wanted to but I get depressed when talking about this so I’ll leave it for another day. And excuse the horrible grammar. I’ll do better next time. Promise.